cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Fuck me I smell like cheese
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
