she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize