you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
smell my finger.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Randomize
