If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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