Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
