i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i think i have herpe
just one?
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize