I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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