Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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