had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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