so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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