Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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