so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
