If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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