I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
