So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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