And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
