I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
