About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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