Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
