There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
He did a backflip because drugs
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
