So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
