If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
