He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
