I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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