Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
