My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
