I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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