Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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