He disabled his match.com account in front of me
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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