Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
