did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
