She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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