please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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