Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
