i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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