I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
