What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
