so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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