Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
