hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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