remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
