when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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