I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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