If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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