fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
