There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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