last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
