My sheets look like a crime scene.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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