He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
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