drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
And then he peed in my hair
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