i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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