What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
