I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Randomize
