My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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