i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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