I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
