and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
