just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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