Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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