Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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