Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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