i barfeds in our rink
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
