My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
