toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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