dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
