True but thats because hes a fetus.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
