I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
