It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
