Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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