I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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