so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
then he tried to convert me to islam
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
