Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
i think i scared a bird with my dick
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Drunk walkin through police station. America
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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