I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
